Detecting for Dogs from A to Z
Ola, amigos. Bienvenidos to the first book ever written about private detecting by a dog. Many books have been written from the point of view of humans but we all know a dog is better deigned for detecting a human Thus an entirely new manual is needed. And who better to write such a document than the famous detective dog, Pepe Sullivan, senior partner of the prominent Seattle detective agency: Sullivan and Sullivan.
If you have any reason to doubt my fame or experience, you need to read the novels about my success as a crime fighter: Dial C for Chihuahua, Chihuahua Confidential, The Big Chihuahua, The Chihuahua Always Sniffs Twice and The Silence of the Chihuahuas.
Acquiring a Sidekick
My dear perros, the first thing you need to find if you wish to be a successful detective is a sidekick. Think Holmes and Watson. Think Bones and Scully. Although you will want any number of attractive and submissive canine assistants (and I am accepting applications—see my Job Posting), a human sidekick is desirable for several reasons.
1) Language. Humans have the ability to communicate with other humans. And this will turn out to be useful to you when you wish to interrogate suspects. Humans also are handy as translators. For example, what if you are asking for a piece of bacon and someone thinks you want to go outside in the rain. I know! Ridiculous! How can any human make such an elementary mistake? Unfortunately there are currently no programs teaching Canine. So it is useful to have a human who can translate for you.
2) Driving. Humans are rather indispensable for driving a car, especially for a small dog like me. Of course, I could press down on either the gas pedal and brake pedal if I were on the floorboard of the car. I could also steer the car simply by stretching my tiny body across the steering wheel, hanging on by my fore paws and hind paws and shifting my weight from side to side. However, I could not do both at the same time. Thus a human chauffeur is necessary to get to the scenes of the crimes and to chase down criminals (Geri and I very much enjoy car chases).
3) Providing of food and drink. When on a case, it is difficult to procure your own meals. And a hungry detective is less effective than a well-fed detective. (Although not too well fed—a certain edge of hunger sharpens the sword of justice!)
4) Interviews with media. Again, the translator role of the human partner is of utmost importance. I could, of course, just smile and act cute, which would cause many flashbulbs to go off and many cameras to snap like crazy. But for the substance of the interview, a human is required. And again, my choice is Geri Sullivan, and not just because she speaks a little Spanish. No, it is because while she is quite pretty, she does not try to hog the limelight. On the contrary, Geri always acknowledges my role as the primary detective.
5) Asking stupid questions. Some may object to the adjective. You may substitute the word “ingenuous” instead if you prefer. The point is your sidekick’s inquiries allow you to showcase your thinking. As when your sidekick asks, “Who do you think entered the building?” And you can reply: “Someone who had just eaten a peanut butter sandwich and an apple, and was wearing a pair of Birkenstocks, with socks, a fashion faux pas,” thus dazzling them with your extraordinary ability to identify scents and your supreme fashion sense.